Sriracha vs. Arizona Gunslinger: Part 5

Coming up, the 5th and final round of the hot sauce challenge. Just put in an order at Pizza Studio for a pizza with: Rosemary Herb Crust, Freshly Grated Mozzarella, Crumbled Feta, Minced Garlic, Caramelized Onion, Roasted Red Peppers, Nitrate Free Pepperoni, Sweet Chicken Sausage, and Chopped Cilantro.
Half will get Arizona Gunslinger, and half will get Sriracha. This will answer once and for all the age-old question of which sauce is more delicious.

Result: The Arizona Gunslinger half was fantastic – peppery and vinegary, with a nice kick to it. Sriracha added a delicious flavor to the pizza, blending perfectly with the spices on the pizza. After a lot of deliberation, I’ve decided on a winner. The winner is…Me.

Announcing my candidacy

I have decided to do something meaningful with my life. I’m running for President of the United States in 2016.

I will be 35 years old just in time for the election, making me constitutionally eligible. I’ll be running as an independent, to avoid allying myself with either of the two major parties – it’s time for a change.

Most people get into politics at a lower level first, running for governor, maybe senator, before running for the most powerful office in the country, but my ideas simply can’t wait for that long – the country needs me now.

If you’re wondering about my political experience, you’ve got nothing to worry about. I’ve successfully registered to vote, and have even been aware of the names of the candidates of multiple past presidential elections. So that puts me way ahead of the curve, and the perfect choice for the next 8 years.

My campaign platform is as follows:

  • Daylight Saving Time: My first order of business is to cancel Daylight Saving Time. Any state or US territory attempting to implement DST starting in 2017 will be subject to federal imprisonment.
  • Marriage Equality: Marriage should be between any two people who love each other, or between an old rich man and a hot 22-year-old gold-digger.
  • Tax: Anyone who voted for me will receive a 15% rebate on their income tax for as long as I remain in office.
  • National Pride: The Geico gecko will be named as the official lizard of the United States. Also, Cheez-Whiz and all Cheez-Whiz-related products will be officially classified as delicious.
  • Federal Holidays: SuperBowl Sunday will be defined as a national holiday, and all American citizens will be legally obligated to watch the game. Exceptions will be made for emergency workers and pizza/wings restaurant employees, but in those cases, federal tax rebates will be given to hospitals, police stations, and restaurants to install TVs in their locations and vehicles so they can watch while they work.
  • Washington Morale: There will be a mandatory toga party every other Saturday on the White House lawn.

I haven’t decided on a running mate just yet, but I’m currently considering Bill Clinton, or possibly Morgan Freeman.

I’ve done some travelling to see what kind of chance I’ll have in the election, and after vising the great states of New England, Long Island, and Minneapolis, I think I’ve got a shot. 3 states down, 54 to go.

Looks so easy

I knew how to cook an omelette when I was 12 years old. It wasn’t fancy or anything, but it always turned out just fine.

In my entire adult life, I’ve never successfully made one. The eggs are burned or not done, or the thing falls apart and just becomes scrambled eggs – and I can’t even come close to doing the little “slide the thing off the pan and flip it halfway” move.

Happy Pi Day 2015!

Once again we’ve arrived at the world’s greatest holiday, Pi Day, named after its founder, George Pi, who invented the circle in 1859. In the last several years, with the invention of supercomputers and other technological marvels, we’ve been able to calculate Pi to as many as 15 digits, with the greatest scientific minds promising that they’ll get to 18 digits by the end of the decade.

To celebrate Pi Day, I’m giving my usual recommendations on how to fully appreciate all the things trigonometry has given us. This year is going to be a little more challenging than usual – you’ve had lots of practice in previous years, so I’m kicking it up a notch:

  • Create a 3-dimensional graph showing the number of peas you could fit into a can with a fixed surface area, in relation to the height and radius of the can.
  • Calculate the circumference of the earth by counting how many traffic lights you can see before the horizon.
  • Determine how much money you could save on ink by replacing all zeros in printed documents with lower-case o’s.


So it’s that time of year again. The time when I mock the entire United States, with the exception of Arizona (aside from the Navajo Nation), Hawaii, and the overseas territories of Puerto Rico, American Samoa, Guam, the Northern Mariana Islands, and the United States Virgin Islands.

Yep, all those other jackasses in America (and probably the rest of the world too, but they’re not important) are setting their clocks back (or forward, I can never remember) today, because of a ridiculously arbitrary concept which was dreamed up by a drunken idiot.

Even though my clock doesn’t change, my day is totally thrown off now – up until now, Giada at Home was on for an hour at 4pm. Now if I want to see my future ex-wife on TV, I have to get home from work by 3.