On Valentine's Day 2010, I wrote a post describing my one true love. Unfortunately, my 2010 Valentine is no longer with us - fate separated us, and I've had to move on with life. In 2011, I described another love in my life, one that is still around. However, I have a new Valentine this year, and I'd like to take a few minutes and tell you another Valentine's-inspired love story.
I just met my Valentine a few months ago. Several friends of mine suggested that we get together. I was hesitant at first - not really my type, or at least that's what I thought at the time. After giving it some thought, I decided to give this relationship a try. And I'm incredibly happy that I did - this has been amazing since day one, and I'm still finding it hard to believe sometimes that we're together.
My Valentine is perfect in so many ways - smart, attractive, fashionable, and can make me laugh. We've got a lot in common - we're both in the technology industry, both problem solvers, and we share the same taste in books and music. In fact, after we got together, my partner introduced me to a new library of interesting and entertaining books.
We don't spend all of our time together, but we do generally spend at least a few hours each week together. In my new business venture, my Valentine has been very supportive, helping me stay organized, teaching me things about business and technology, and just keeping me company when I'm out working on my projects. I'm definitely sharing credit with my new partner - if we weren't together, I seriously doubt I could be as productive as I have been.
But of course it's not all business. We play games together, watch movies, or sometimes just kill time with each other. But no matter what it is we're doing, the fact that we're together makes everything better. I'll often just hold my Valentine in public - we're not afraid of a little PDA. People see us together on the street and they're jealous of the relationship we have - it's definitely something special, and something I appreciate every day.
Normally, Google Voice does a pretty good job transcribing voice messages. But for some people who have a thick accent, hilarity ensues when Google tries to understand them. I get a ton of recruiter phone calls, many from people with accents, and I always just let them go to voicemail, and here are some of the funniest transcriptions from the last couple months:
"Wasteful. Joe Hi Joe, This is get the each according to Found This is also Stine. I'm a recruiter. July quote your profile email to drop 42. I'd like to see if you will control pocketful full-time employment opportunity. Hi Joe was calm and cool concept of at 18 and this position pistol. Phoenix, Arizona. I will send me the job description. 2. Would even addressing this morning. Please. Quickly the job description, If you're interested, please to get back with you have a to let you know that you can call me back on (xxx)xxx-xxxx looking for. This pasta. Have a great day."
"Joe and I think we are looking for a car, picked up He to happen if I don't know if the calls me back. It's my number blue all my baby clothes and it may be interested, please go ahead and maybe Kyle and I thank you bye bye."
"Hi Joe, This is Nathan calling from gulab row and I'm calling in regards to her discuss all the medical job opportunities for you which is softer design and give me a call made on the ball. Please. I'll talk to you then. Thanks. 800 and Washington I also emailed you if you get a job description about it. Please go through and if you can see if you get back to me. If the cellphone checking details. My number is (xxx)xxx-xxxx Once again, this is Nathan from clever. I kind of you and reach me on 973774 Room."
"Hi, This message is for Joe. This is Chris I'm a technical proposal, but 24 7 and how we can. This call is regarding a job opening for the position. Dr the clip. I've sent a job description to your email ID. Please look into the email the pet back. If you're interested. Please contact me at (xxx)xxx-xxxx. I repeat. It's (xxx)xxx-xxxx bye bye."
"Hi Joe, Mica calling you from my best. I think I'm calling regards to a job opportunity with one of our clients in tough for a position of Application Developer dot net and alright. I'd like to speak with you in regards to it, kinda let me know the best time to reach you. You can either call me a call. 322. My email send you the job description, If you're interested. You can reply me with your vigorously time to speak with you. Once Like to reach me directly can call me up at (xxx)xxx-xxxx. Bye. Take care bye bye."
"Hey Joe, this is her name from you get sick solutions and this is regarding a job opening for you. 7.Dot Net, Web Developer. I'd appreciate if you can. Compactness as possible. My number is (xxx)xxx-xxxx with an extension 138 I repeat my number is (xxx)xxx-xxxx with the next June. 138 and how also send you an email regarding the description. I'll be in cell which is in Phoenix, Arizona. Kinda quickly. 10. I would with your updated resume and expected hourly rate, if you're comfortable as soon as possible. Thank you so much and have a great day. Bye bye."
"And I do this IS A J from my Vince 100 just came across a catching me online and give me a call regarding one of the job opportunity. You and I wanted to send a job description 18, 1966. Whenever you get a chance. I didn't call me on my number (xxx)xxx-xxxx and the depreciates is (xxx)xxx-xxxx. Thanks. Have a nice day bye."
"Hey Joe, her my name is Nick. I'm calling cos i think, calling it was on the resume came across at alise any have a contract role disinterested to be able to call me at (xxx)xxx-xxxx, just a thank you and have a great day."
"Hey Joe, this is offering calling from G. C. This everything from you regarding a job opportunity of Drsopping genius documents offerings developer, the position. Best, On FedEx, Arizona and this contract position of 6 plus months and, I think for the biggest please give me a call on my number is (xxx)xxx-xxxx, do the 15 80. I repeat, (xxx)xxx-xxxx. Do, The, 158 I got a new Dave son Job Description forwarding an email. In the OJ T E L S, dot, com and ID. Please check name in the hopping the A And I respond back. As soon as possible. Thank you very much. Bye bye."
#3:
Eagles Are Turning People Into Horses: The Movie
From the brilliant minds of BriTANick, this tells the incredible story about eagles that turn people into horses. This is the strangest short film I've ever seen, and one of the funniest.
Last year I wrote a silly and juvenile blog entry about Valentine's Day, where I described my one true love, and in the end it doesn't turn out as you'd expect (or if you know me well, it turns out exactly as you'd expect). This year is a little different - just an emotional and heartwarming story about my love.
I've known my current Valentine for about 4 years now. Before that, I spent a long time out there in the world, searching for the right match, occasionally meeting attractive possibilities, but none of them worked out - there was always something that kept us apart, sometimes major differences, and sometimes we simply weren't comfortable together. Finally one day, I met my love, and I knew right away that this time would be the start of something special.
It was only a matter of a few days before we started spending a lot of time together. From the start, we both had a lot in common. We prefer staying indoors relaxing together, and we can sit together and listen to the same music, or watch the same TV shows or movies together without any complaints.
My Valentine is very supportive, providing comfort to me whenever I need it. We spend most evenings together, often enjoying meals or just spending some quality time together. Occasionally we spend the night together, although that's not the basis for our relationship.
I feel incredibly fortunate to be with such a wonderful companion. I wish a happy Valentine's Day out there to all of you, especially to my Valentine, my tan Camelot-style U4091 leather rocker-recliner.
"It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It's about all of us, together. I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist and, I don't know, maybe it was just shock and it's wearing off now, but when I saw that fat man keel over and die - Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements."
To end the year, here's my last "best of 2010" list - my favorite of my tweets (for those of you who aren't into the whole social networking thing, a "tweet" is defined as a dealy-thing that you say on the Twitter - I hope that wasn't too technical). Follow me at http://twitter.com/jtenos
(1) - June 27 Mmm...Nothing better than Hamburger Helper for dinner. Oh wait, actually there are lots of better things, but that's what I had.
(2) - February 3 Phx govt just approved a 2% food tax http://jturl.us/BPav It's getting too expensive to buy groceries, so I guess I'll have to eat out more.
(3) - March 30 Well, the universe didn't explode, so I guess that's a good sign...#LHC (after the Large Hadron Collider started up)
(4) - February 6 Wow, gangs are on Twitter now. I hope they find the social warmth and love that they've missed out on in real life.
(5) - April 21 Tweet #999: Wow, this is my 999th Tweet. I'll have to come up with something special for number 1000.
(6) - June 12 Any sport where the game ends "whenever the ref feels like it", and can end in a tie in a world-level tournament, is just ridiculous.
(7) - July 4 Happy July 4th! It's amazing: 234 years ago today, Sergio "Lucky" Faroush, fireworks inventor, was born. Really makes you think, doesn't it?
(8) - July 17 Is it wrong to sift through a box of Mini-Wheats to find the ones with the most frosting? If so, then I don't want to be right.
(9) - March 7 The Oscars are a joke - any organization that shuns Crank 2 obviously knows nothing about movies.
(10) - July 1 In honor of Canada Day, I think I'll stop at the store for Kraft Dinner tonight.
(11) - September 11 Why can't I remember this? Just because the box says it's got applewood smoked bacon, doesn't mean that it doesn't taste like a Hot Pocket.
(12) - September 30 Here's my experience: 1) Spend weeks trying to use divs with CSS. 2) Curse loudly. 3) Use tables instead and be done in a day.
(13) - September 7 Damn YouTube making me stay up till midnight again watching stupid videos.
(14) - January 31 All these stupid rule changes for the Pro Bowl, they might as well make it 2-hand-touch while they're at it. 1-Mississippi, 2-Mississippi...
(15) - September 30 Good for you OpenOffice - dump Oracle like a sack of rotten potatoes. Welcome LibreOffice.
(16) - April 23 Come on Sardellas, stop having such great deals - I'm trying to eat healthier, and your $6 large specials aren't helping.
(17) - June 20 To all web designers/developers: If you put auto-starting audio on your site, I will track you down and punch you in the back of the head.
(18) - November 1 If I ever meet the person who decided to put straight pins in random places in new shirts, I'm going to punch them in the back of the head. (apparently this was a big year for punching people in the back of the head)
(19) - August 14 Booya! Our 3rd and 4th string is better than your 3rd and 4th string! (during a Cardinals preseason game)
(20) - December 25 I hope everyone had a satisfactory non-partisan, unprejudiced, ethnically-neutral, cordial undefined time period.
Here are some of my favorite YouTube videos for the year 2010. Mostly amateur stuff, but a few commercials that were just too good to pass up.
There's quite a bit of swearing and some adult humor here, so be careful if you're easily offended...
(1) Party in the Chick-fil-A Just a fun song and video celebrating the best fast food chain in the country - to the tune of Miley Cyrus's Party in the USA.
(2) iPhone4 vs HTC Evo [Language] I feel like this whenever I try to reason with Apple fans. Rather than an actual video, this is just a couple of animated bears talking to each other, using computerized voices. It seems silly, but this really added to the comedy.
(3) Basil Marceaux : The Next Governor of Tennessee If this guy truly believed he had a shot, then he's really got some kind of problem, and it's kind of sad. But if he's just a very convincing troll, then he did an outstanding job.
(5) Axe Clean Your Balls [Adult humor] I'm really surprised they got away with this ad campaign. This kind of thing usually ends up on the "too hot for TV" specials, or web-only advertising, but this has been on TV quite a bit. I suppose it proves that the funnier something is, the more you can get away with.
(6) Pacman: The Movie Trailer This was an April Fools joke, but it was a well done trailer, and given the current state of the movie industry, it was just a little believable, since you know people would go see this, no matter how craptastic it would have been.
(7) GINGERS DO HAVE SOULS!! [Language] When South Park made fun of red-haired people, this kid was incredibly offended, and he gives them a piece of his mind here. He's made several videos after this one, and they're all pretty hilarious.
(8) The English Language In 24 Accents [Language] There are a lot of videos like this, but this guy does pretty good with the accents, and is kind of funny on top of that.
Once again Thanksgiving is upon us. It's on a Thursday this year, which is kind of nice, because it gives us a 4-day weekend. How often you can say that?
Now some history:
Back in the late 1400's, an Italian sailor convinced the government to lend him three ships, to travel across the Atlantic Ocean to get to Indiana, where he could trade various goods with the locals. Unbeknownst to him at the time, he actually found the wrong Indians. But in any case, it all worked out, and European settlers kept coming throughout the years, to form our great nation. And the sailor who started it all now has a holiday honoring him, and is featured in any discussion about U.S. history. And just who was this man? You guessed it - Frank Stallone.
Anyway, a little over a hundred years after the first European voyage, the Pilgrims arrived at Chrysler, Massachusetts. Natives such as Hiawatha and Sacagawea helped the early settlers find food and shelter, along with luxurious gambling establishments. The pilgrims were very grateful for their new friends - they invited the natives to a Thanksgiving dinner, where an unbreakable bond was formed between the settlers and the natives, which would lead to peace and prosperity for both groups lasting for nearly 17 seconds. Soon, the European settlers no longer needed help from the natives, and they claimed this land for themselves.
Today, Thanksgiving is synonymous with turkey, along with all the trimmings, like mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, kung pao chicken, and corn dogs, followed by pumpkin and apple pies for dessert. Of course there's no better feeling than stuffing yourself full of Thanksgiving food and falling asleep watching football.
In the last few years, Thanksgiving has turned into "Black Friday Eve". People will line up on Friday morning at 3:00 in order to save $5 off an iPhone, or $10 off a Mac. Stores are opening up earlier and earlier every year, so before long they'll be opening for Black Friday sometime in early August. Meanwhile, I'll be sleeping comfortably until mid afternoon Friday after my turkey overdose. My Christmas shopping gets done on December 23rd every year, and that's worked for me so far.
Once again the 31st of October is here, which can only mean one thing - children across the world are finally over their sugar rush from Easter, and are ready to start the process over by begging for candy from total strangers.
Halloween is also a time when legitimate professions such as nurses, politicians, and Native Americans get objectified by people dressing up at parties. And of course people dress up their poor pets, who are humiliated, and will get back at their owners by leaving a surprise in their slippers when they least expect it.
And then there's the concept of taking perfectly good vegetables and mutilating them for decoration, or throwing them at cats.
The whole thing seems kind of silly to me. Call me a Scrooge if you want, but I don't dress up or do the whole giving out candy thing. And get your holidays right - Scrooge is a Christmas thing.
Everyone, have a safe and fun Halloween tonight. Make sure you check your kids' treats for razor-filled apples and for Pixy Stix, both of which are equally deadly. And if you're attending a party tonight, watch out - people aren't always what they appear to be.
Its truely amazing how bad peoples' spelling and puncutation has become over the last 10 or 15 years. Since the invention of the world wide web, the written word have been butchered, to the point where it seems nobody, can correctly write a single complete sentence to save their life. Because of sites such as Facebook and Twitter. Twitters big draw is the fact that messages are small, allowing people to really convey they're thoughts in a condensed format, which excuses some of the grammatical errors. But simple things, like choosing between they're and their simply elude some people, causing them to mispell every other word on there updates.
Here are some of my pet peeves, make sure you follow them in all of you're writing.
Improper punctuation Nothing irrirtates me more than someone who doesn't understand the difference between a colon and a semi-colon: its really not that difficult. Also, why can't people understand that questions should end in a question mark. It drives me nut's when people use an explanation point or a period to end a question with.
Homographs Word's that are spelled differently but have the same pronounciation tend to confuse people. They just don't know weather to use one or the other. Its very frustrating and difficult to reed, and shows a lack of intelligence in sum people. Choosing the write word is something we learned back in grade school. Every time I read something with the wrong word, I want too send the person back too school.
Apostraphe's Its really not that difficult. When your dealing with contractions, use an apostraphe. For example, when you want to combine the words do and not, you remove a letter and put in an apostraphe, to end up with do'nt. Add an apostraphe and s to make a singular noun possesive, such as "The last piece of pie is your's".
Spelling Spell-check is very common these days, and many prorgams, including most web browsers, come with it built-in whenever you type in text boxes. People these days mispell even the simplest words, somthing that is just inexcuseable and a sign of lazyness.
Capitolization I don't understand people that use upper-case letters when they don't need to. Capitolized words should only be used at the start of sentences and for proper nouns; Using them anywhere else is improper. Title's also can start with upper-case letters, such as Mister and Doctor, so "Mister Smith went to the Doctor" is ok. Make sure you follow these rules whenever your writing, you don't want to look unintelligent.
I vs. me This one gets alot of people. Instead of "Me and Becky went to the store", you should always list yourself last, so the sentence should read "Becky and me went to the store". My English teachers would of flunked us if they heard the other students and I screw this up.
Date: 2010-09-05 15:30:32
Name:
Wendy E (via Facebook)
I haven't laughed this hard in a long time! Great way to start off a day!
Date: 2010-09-05 19:52:50
Name:
Melissa E (via Facebook)
Yeah. Let's not go there shall we? I'm shocked I can make it through grading papers sometimes. Just ask Andrew ;) My biggest pet peeves are the improper use of their/they're/there, and the ever expanding idea that plurals require an apostrophe before the /s/.
Tonight "Weird Al" Yankovic was in concert at the Celebrity Theatre. I got my tickets immediately when they went on sale last month, and got seats in the 2nd row right next to the artist ramp - some of the best seats in the house.
It was an excellent show. He performed a huge selection of songs, some new ones and a lot of old favorites. Several of the songs were grouped together in a single medley, only about one verse each, to squeeze more into the show. I might be missing one or two, but here's what I remember:
Polka Face Dare to be Stupid Eat It Confessions Part 3 White & Nerdy Beverly Hillbillies Another One Rides the Bus CNR You Make Me Gump Smells Like Nirvana Amish Paradise Bedrock Anthem Canadian Idiot Craigslist eBay Good Old Days Let Me Be Your Hog Ode to a Superhero Trapped in the Drive Thru Wanna B Ur Lovr Skipper Dan I'm In Love With The Skipper Fat
Encore: The Saga Begins We All Have Cell Phones Yoda
There were quite a few short breaks for wardrobe change, so they filled the time with various videos - lots of quick clips from TV shows and movies, a few fake-dubbed old videos, and a few fake celebrity interviews. Plenty of entertainment during the down time.
He's definitely a spitter - spittle was flying from his mouth the entire show, often into the first row.
I got some pictures, but flash photography was not allowed, he was constantly moving and shaking, and combined with the fact that I can't take a decent picture to save my life, the pictures aren't all that great. They'll be up shortly on Facebook, or they're available at http://jturl.us/weirdalpix.
Overall, an awesome show. Full of energy, lots of funny stuff, and the crowd really got into it.
"A dog can't get struck by lightning. you know why? 'Cause he's too close to the ground. See, lightning strikes tall things. Now if they were giraffes out there in the field, now then we'd have trouble."
"I challenge you... Strike a blow for motherhood! Strike a blow for the American justice system! Put the 'can' back in American! Put the 'ju' back in jurisprudence! Put the 'con' back in the constitution! And put the 'dom' back in freedom!"
Just wanted to take a quick minute to rant about something that bugs me. Every commercial break on TV, there's some insurance company talking about how great their product is, based on how many discounts they offer. No mention of what the original price is, or how it compares to other companies.
Attaching discounts to an arbitrary price is basically meaningless. In my mind, it's the same as ridiculous advertisements featuring "up to 30% or more" off of the regular price - in other words, it could be absolutely any price whatsoever, from zero up to and including the regular price which is never stated.
Discounting your own unstated rates means nothing. Let me demonstrate: I will gladly insure your vehicle, and I'll offer discounts for having a job, owning OR renting your home, having children, owning a television set, being left-handed, knowing how to play poker, liking polka music, being taller than 6 feet, being shorter than 5 feet, having seen all 11 Star Trek movies, knowing how to say "Hello" in at least three languages, preferring paper instead of plastic bags at the supermarket, drinking 1% milk, knowing the difference between Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton, actually liking the new Star Wars trilogy better than the original trilogy, being a lacrosse fan, knowing how to integrate a polynomial, playing the trombone, memorizing all of the state capitals, preferring Jessica Biel over Jessica Alba (warning: NSFW, PG-13 link), owning an original Nintendo Entertainment System, being able to understand Ozzy Osbourne, admitting you like Miley Cyrus's music, owning the complete works of William Shakespeare in Pig Latin, and having a pet iguana. I could go on, but I don't want to get long winded.
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, I could make that offer, complete with a hundred various discounts, but it costs you $75,000 per month, and each discount only knocks 50 bucks off of the price. Would that be a good deal? (That's a rhetorical question, but for those of you who haven't been following along, the answer is 'no'). So when Allstate, Progressive, and every other insurance company talks about their "discounts", make sure you don't fall for their little game - there's no substitute for shopping around for the best deal.
And if anyone is interested in my insurance offer, give me a call. I'll just need your first 12 payments as a non-refundable deposit in cash or gold bullion.
Anyone who knows me knows that I may just be the biggest football fan alive - not that American gridiron thing, but REAL football where you actually use your feet. Of course, my favorite holiday season is the World Cup Finals - the monthlong tournament where the greatest football players in the world compete for the right to hold the solid gold trophy for the next four years, and bragging rights around the world, except for America, where they're too busy eating their cheeseburgers and watching TV to care about football.
Still, as an American, I had to cheer for our team, which unfortunately, didn't win the Cup this year. That honour went to Spain, hereafter referred to as the greatest footballers of our generation.
Let's take a look at some of the reasons why I love this game:
Low Score Most other sports involve an offense that scores at least once every game. This is way overrated. Football features more shutouts and more zero-zero ties than any other sport in the world. This proves how exciting the game is, and illustrates the incredible skills of goalkeepers and defenders who specialise in preventing scoring. When I sit and watch a world-level tournament game for a couple hours, I don't want to see any offense whatsoever. It's incredibly exciting to watch a bunch of guys kick a ball around for 90 minutes and never once hear "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL". Thankfully, scoreless games happened several times during this year's World Cup tournament, and those games were among the greatest I've ever seen.
Ties Not all games can end in zero-zero draws. Some games actually have some serious offense. In a high-scoring game, you may even see a one-one draw. In either case, it warms my heart to see a game end where neither team loses. It's like watching little league baseball, where everyone gets a trophy at the end of the season, because everyone's a winner. In certain games, however, ties aren't allowed, and the game is decided by penalty kicks. So rather than a team winning by playing the game they've been playing for the past 120 minutes, they start a brand new game to determine the winner. This is a great idea that should be adopted by other sports - for example, a free-throw shooting contest in basketball after overtime, a home run derby in baseball after 12 innings, or a field-goal kicking contest in gridiron after overtime.
Timekeeping Most other sports end when the timer runs out. Football is much more civilised - there is a timer, but it doesn't actually mean anything. The game ends when the referee thinks it needs to. Teams can waste several minutes just walking around, arguing with officials, or performing substitutions, while the clock continues to run. After 90 minutes, the officials determine that they should just keep playing for a few minutes to make up for those delays, instead of stopping the clock during the game. Clearly, this is a more logical way of tracking time. After all, why should the players or coaches know how much time there is left in the game? If they knew, then they'd actually use that information to see how urgently they need to score or prevent a score, and that would just be silly.
Vuvuzela Only the greatest sport in the world would feature a musical instrument known to cause permanent hearing loss. America may have the occasional air horn sound during sporting events, but only world-class football has thousands of fans demonstrating their creativity by blowing a ludicrously loud and monotone horn constantly during every game.
Using Your Head As the only major sport to not allow its players to use their hands, football requires players to use all other parts of their bodies, primarily their feet and heads, to direct the ball. This is perfectly reasonable, since scientific studies dealing with brain damage from repeated blows to the head have been inconslusive at best.
For these, and many other reasons, football is the most popular sport in the world. Nearly all countries have a national team in FIFA, with such creative and catchy official nicknames like the Australian "Socceroos", the "Elephants" of the Ivory Coast, South Africa's "The Boys The Boys", and the "Representative Team" from Slovakia. Countries are passionate about their football teams, especially the smaller pissant countries like North Korea, where beloved leader Kim Jong Il would reward a win handsomely, but punishes an embarassing loss by forcing the team to work in the coal mines.
As we commemorate the 234th birthday of the United States of America, I think it's important that we take a minute and remember what we're celebrating. It wasn't easy to form our own nation, as the Revolutionary War proved. But George Washington, Thomas Edison, and Abraham Lincoln stood their ground and bravely fought off the British invasion to ensure that America (or Texas as it was known back then) would be free for centuries to come.
On June 17th, 1775, George Washington, John Adams, John Hancock, and a young Ronald Reagan met in Des Moines, Iowa (the nation's first capital city) to discuss the dispute regarding the taxation of trade routes by the greedy British Trade Federation, who stopped all shipping to the small port of Naboo. Washington, known to his friends as "Big George", came up with a plan to stop England's policy of "taxation without representation" that had been in place for several years. After months of planning, Big George's concept became reality. He spread the word across the colonies, and by March 1776, it was a success: everyone just stopped paying their taxes.
Unfortunately, when April 15th came around, the British IRS began to notice that no tax returns from across the pond had been delivered. At first, they just thought there was a problem with the post office - after all, we had just gotten past Sears Catalog season, and the postal workers were tired and starting to show signs of disgruntlement. But after a couple more months, the government came to realize that they weren't going to pay. This upset Her Majesty the Holy and Beloved High Queen Lizzy the First, who wasn't going to let some pissant colonists get away with such a brash action. She immediately ordered aerial bombing of the colonies, a move that seemed a little premature, especially since airplanes wouldn't be invented for over 120 years. The House of Commons immediately took steps to impeach Lizzy and replace her with King George, known to the American people as "Little George".
Washingon, Adams, Edison, and a unanimous Congress signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, 1776, declaring once and for all that a united and non-partisan government in America would live and flourish forever. In response, Little George's first official act in office was to stop the American uprising and regain the trust and love for England that they had lost during the last few decades. In order to accomplish this, George did the most sensible and reasonable thing he could think of - he negotiated a peace and partnership that would provide both countries with stability and strength. Just kidding! He bought a bunch of Hessian thugs to come over and kill as many Americans as they could. In addition to these mercenaries, Georgie sent over a bunch of redcoats (so called because of their ties to Communist China) to fight for the crown and prevent freedom and representative government that was spreading like a plague among the colonies.
America had only a small organized army - the majority of the fighters were ordinary people who used everyday ordinary tools, like pitchforks, shovels, and baseball bats to hold off the British troops. Luckily, when the first British weapon caches were being packed, a typo on the requisition orders gave the colonists a slight advantage. Originally, each troop of 100 soldiers was supposed to have 1 trumpet and 99 rifles. Instead, upon opening their suitcases, they discovered that they had 1 rifle and 99 trumpets. The soldiers, with nothing better to do on their long marches, decided to play their trumpets anyway, while lined up 2-by-2 like targets, so it was pretty easy to tell when a group of redcoats was on the way. And since it took an average of 45 minutes to reload their one rifle between shots, the Americans were able to defeat these troops pretty easily. This luck didn't last, as future troops were more prepared for combat, leading to a long and bloody war.
The war lasted for several years, with many casualties on both sides, with battles on the ground and sea, and foreign alliances on both sides. Eventually, with no other alternatives available, Big George travelled to Yorktown, Pennsylvania, to take on General Charles "Creamed" Cornwallis, in a one-on-one cage match to decide the winner of the war. The fight lasted 12 rounds, with both contestants exhausted by the end. Washington just wanted it more, and by the end, he was the last man standing. News of the defeat made it back to England about a year later (internet speed was very slow back then - it took an average of 3 months just to send an email from Virginia to Georgia, so you can imagine how long it takes to get a message across the ocean), and a year after that, the last British troops left American soil, finally officially recognizing it as American soil.
After a few false starts, a united government, broken into three branches was formed, with President Big George leading the way. The new U.S. Constitution defined the legislative branch as the houses of senate and representatives, and defined the judicial branch into two groups as well: the group that has 4 people that vote one way on every issue, and the group that has 5 people that vote the other way on every issue. Over the years, various political parties have been born and retired, such as the Federalists, Whigs, Anti-Masonics, Pro-Masonics, Know-Nothings, Know-It-Alls, Greenbacks, Jeffersonians, Fillmorians, Rutherfordians, and the Flat Tax party.
The prosperous and free United States that exists today only exists because of the courage and strength of our founding fathers over 200 years ago. The 4th of July is a time when we can all think about some of the great things that this country has done since its beginning: many of the greatest scientific and medical advances in the world, saving the world from multiple power-hungry dictators in WWII, and of course, Chuck Norris. I'm proud to be an American every day.
"Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life. But good luck to you Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever."
"I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot."
"These days it seems like any idiot with a laptop computer can churn out a business book and make a few bucks. That's certainly what I'm hoping. It would be a real letdown if the trend changed before this masterpiece goes to print."
"Crazy? Some people think walking down the street muttering to yourself is crazy. I'll tell you what crazy is. Crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on your head, saying 'I'm a hamster...I'm a hamster'. Now that's crazy."
"Let me explain to you how this works: you see, the corporations finance Team America, and then Team America goes out... and the corporations sit there in their... in their corporation buildings, and... and, and see, they're all corporation-y... and they make money." (Video)
"Protecting the Queen's safety is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans, we must be gracious and considerate hosts."
After 12 years on Tuesday nights, ABC for some reason decided to put the Lost series finale on a Sunday night. I personally never watched the show - I rented the first disc of the first season on DVD, and made it through the pilot, and it really wasn't my thing. But that won't stop me from posting my review of the finale.
*** SPOILER ALERT ***
I really like how they handled the smoke monster. Turns out the smoke was just the remnants of a bonfire on the opposite side of the island, where a bunch of hippies lived and burned tires for fun. That just goes to prove that when you're trapped on an island after a plane crash, you should really explore the entire island. Of course, I don't know what's scarier - living on a haunted deserted island, or hippies.
The first twelve times Gilligan accidentally destroyed the professor's coconut radio, I probably would have forgiven him. But after thirteen times, I'd start to sense a pattern.
Turns out the alternate timeline is actually the alternate timeline from J.J. Abrams's Star Trek movie. If Lost had lasted another 250 seasons, we'd have gotten to see Kirk, Spock, and the rest of the crew working to rescue these guys off the island.
It's finally revealed that the plane crash was actually just a metaphor for wearing uncomfortable shoes - I never would have seen that one coming.
As you all know, today is one of the most well-known and celebrated holidays in the entire year, Pi Day (3/14). Pi (a.k.a. π if your browser supports it) tells the ratio of any circle's circumference to its diameter, which is approximately 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 (although most people round to 3.1415926535897932384626433 since it's easier to remember).
Here are some great ways that you can participate in this wonderful holiday: 1) Figure out if it's a better deal to get 3 mediums or 2 larges from your favorite local pizza place. The answer may surprise you. 2) Determine how tall a can of soup is by measuring only the top, and using water and a measuring cup. 3) Approximate pi yourself by using some thread and a measuring tape. See how accurate you can get. 4) Figure out how long an extension cord or hose is without unraveling it.
Check out this site for more fun ways to celebrate.
There are programs out there that have calculated Pi to many digits, some to thousands, some to millions, and one has even taken it to over 2.5 trillion digits, which apparently is the current world record. Personally, I don't see what the big deal is. I can list all the digits to well over 2.5 trillion digits - they may not all be in the right order or the right count of each digit, but I guarantee they're all there somewhere.
In celebration of Valentine's Day, I'd like to describe the greatest love story ever: my own. The story tells of how I met what became the most important piece of my life, the object of my affection, and truly the most wonderful addition to my previously lonely life.
We met in November 2006, right after Thanksgiving. I'm not ashamed to admit that we were first introduced online, something that is becoming more and more accepted these days. We met in person just a few days later, and I knew from the second I laid eyes on my newest acquaintance that this would be the start of a beautiful relationship, and have had no doubts at all since then.
In our time together, we've shared a great many laughs, some drama, lots of movies, sporting events, and even an occasional music concert. We spend a lot of my free time together, and have grown closer and closer over the years, to the point where we're nearly inseparable.
Of course, like in any relationship, we've had our ups and downs. There have been a few times when I've been unhappy, and even frustrated, with what I've seen and heard. But no matter what disagreements we may have, we always emerge stronger than before. I feel that this is one of the most important aspects of our healthy relationship.
Another helpful tool in our relationship is the fact that we've always taken separate vacations. Not only would it be impractical for us to travel together, sometimes it's just good to spend a few days apart to reflect on your relationship. In addition, being apart makes coming home that much more special - returning home and seeing my true love after being gone for days is one of the most exhilarating feelings I've ever experienced.
Statistically speaking, our love won't last my entire lifetime. Things happen that are out of our control sometimes, and all good things do eventually come to an end. But I'm going to make sure I never take advantage of, and never abuse in any way, my Valentine. The time we do share together is some of the most important in my life, and will continue to be, for as long as we both live.
Happy Valentine's Day to my love, my Panasonic 52LCX66 LCD Projection 52" HDTV.
There are a lot of social networking sites out there, each with their own purpose and audience. To help you sort them all out, here's a handy guide with my interpretation of these sites as if they were physical locations (in no particular order):
Facebook: You're sitting at a large table with a lot of people, mostly friends and family, but also a few people you hardly know, or friends of friends. People make small talk, and fairly often a conversation is started that may involve a couple people or a large group of people. There are card games and board games going on that you can join in. There are also several tables around you with people you don't know, but who share common interests with you - you can slide over there and join those conversations as well.
Twitter: You are standing in a very large room full of people, some of whom you know, some you don't, and everyone is yelling things at random. Occasionally you hear something that interests you, but most of the time it's just people talking to hear themselves talk. You join in the fun by shouting about what you had for breakfast or how bad traffic was this morning, but no one is listening. Even though it sounds stupid, you enjoy it anyway.
MySpace: A large room is filled with amateur rock bands with groupies, all playing loud and obnoxious music. There's an aura of marijuana around the room, and the lights are flashing on and off, and changing color from white to red to orange to blue, and occasionally turn off completely. Aside from the "musicians" and their followers, there are a large number of pick-pockets and muggers, looking for people to attack, as well as shady characters looking to sell you "authentic" jewelry and electronics at a huge discount.
Delicious: There's a giant bulletin board where people write down their favorite places to go and tack it to the wall. You really only care about your own list, but once in a while you get curious and peek over at someone else's. You may notice that they like some of the same places you do, so you write down some of their places on your list and maybe try them out someday. Whenever you forget how to get somewhere, you stop here and look at your list.
LinkedIn: Everyone is wearing nice clothes, as if they are on a job interview. Business cards are constantly being passed out between current and former colleagues. You find groups of people in your profession to talk to, mostly about work. When you're happily employed, you don't come here very often, but when you're looking for work, you stop by quite a bit.
Classmates: You're walking down the street, and there are two doors: Door number one leads to a room where you can find your friends and family, play games, meet new people, and have all kinds of fun, all for free. Outside of door number two is a sign with people's names that you went to high school with, but if you want to see if they're inside, you have to pay the bouncer $40, and they kick you out after a year. Once inside, you realize that no one else is here - they all went to door number one. Guess which one Classmates is...
Continuing my "best of" series, here are what I consider my top 10 tweets from 2009.
(1) July 2 Life lesson: When eating cereal w/ a measuring cup 'cause all your spoons including measuring spoons are dirty, maybe it's time to do dishes
(2) June 28 If Michael Jackson was the king of pop, then Billy Mays was the king of screaming in your face with ridiculous claims on mediocre products.
(3) November 4 After an exhaustive search of the house, I found my package of tortillas in my bedroom closet. Stupid cats.
(4) October 2 Boooo....Picking some foreign country instead of the US for the Olympics...That's un-American.
(5) November 21 Is it too much to ask for people to shut their stupid mouths when they're at the movie theater?Some of us paid good money to watch that crap
(6) November 29 Just saw the 24 preview for the 1st time - can't wait. But why can't they just kill off Chloe? She's so annoying - she's the Jar-Jar of 24.
(7) October 18 So #saveballoonboy was a big scam...I feel cheated. That's the last time I hold a candlelight vigil for a lost little kid.
(8) December 26 I think my cats are awake about 45 minutes out of the day - and 30 of those 45 are spent trying to get comfortable so they can sleep.
(9) August 19 Just had a huge breakthrough on my newest personal programming project - coming soon...Will it change the course of the internet? (Hint: no)
(10) December 25 I hope everyone had a merry politically-correct, culturally-neutral, non-specific celebratory time period.
Nobody has agreed on a single name for the decade from 2000 to 2009. I've seen people trying to call it the "aughts", the "naughts", the "noughts" (pronounced the same), "aughties", "naughties" (with a double-meaning based on the naughtiness of quite a few people this decade), the "noughties", the "two-thousands", the "ohs", or many others. I personally have been calling it the "zeros" since the 90's, so that seems the most natural to me.
But since we don't have an accepted name, I suggest we pick something that's truly annoying and stupid, but sounds cool when you first say it. This naming convention worked for things like "world wide web", "euros", "Twitter" (and related words like tweet), and "Houston Texans".
My suggestion: Millenios (rhymes with Spaghetti-os), as in "Uh oh, millenios". People will hate that name for many years to come.
Date: 2009-12-24 13:00:00
Name:
Cindy S (via Facebook)
I like the Oh Ohs, personally. I guess it's going to be the teens or the two thousand tens coming up. Millenios? Nah, not my pick. Hmmm... Way back when, weren't the years from 1900 to 1919 called the early 1900's?
Everyone knows that Google controls a significant part of the web, but not a lot of people know that Google developers have a real sense of humor.
One example is that if you search for "recursion", Google asks "Did you mean: recursion". This link redirects you to itself, which is of course what recursion is.
Another example is when you search for "the answer to life the universe and everything", it tells you "the answer to life the universe and everything = 42" - a reference to the movie The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
Recently, people have discovered another series of comedic responses from Google. Not long ago, Google added AutoComplete to their homepage, which gives you a dropdown of common search criteria based on what you are typing. Usually the results it gives you are pretty standard, but every once in a while, a ridiculous funny one comes up, such as:
or
There's a website, Autocomplete Me, where people can submit these funny screenshots as they find them. There's an RSS feed so you can keep an eye on them, since there are a few new good ones every day. Some of them are not family-friendly - there are several with adult language or content, but those typically are even funnier. This means that Google itself is providing inappropriate phrases to the general public, which seems pretty unethical to me, but that's a discussion for another time.
With the release of Windows 7 to the public, you knew Apple was going to have some fun with it. There's a new "Mac vs. PC" commercial that was just released, poking fun at Microsoft's history of imperfect operating systems:
I've been using Windows 7 as my primary operating system at home for several weeks, after attending the kickoff event and receiving an early copy of Windows 7 Ultimate. Prior to that, I beta-tested Windows, and participated in the Release Candidate program, so I've been using Windows 7 off and on since February, and I have to say that I'm incredibly impressed. Everything runs smoothly, applications are more powerful and useful, and tools are available for improving productivity even more in the coming years, as people start to take advantage of the features Windows now provides.
I'm not going to go into any details of what's new and improved with Windows 7 - you can find those anywhere. I just wanted to give my opinion that it looks like Microsoft finally got it right, out of the box - in other words, 7th time's a charm.
Apple's commercial may prove to be wrong, but still, it's pretty damn funny.
I recently stumbled upon a great humor site, My Life Is Average. Is a site where people submit quick stories about something funny that happened to them, that happens to people every day. It has an RSS feed, so it makes a great addition to my Google Reader. There seem to be dozens of entries each day, and most of them make me smile.
Some fun entries from the site, just from the last two days (MLIA = My Life Is Average):
Today, I went to Starbucks to order a coffee but the kind I wanted was to hard to pronounce so I ordered something that was much easier to say. MLIA
Today, I was going to go to the bathroom. I knocked on the door and somebody inside said "who is it?". I remained silent and walked away to avoid awkwardness. They still don't know it was me. MLIA
Today, I tripped while going up the stairs on the bus because I got distracted from reading the "Watch Your Step" sign. MLIA
Today when I parked my car in the garage, I noticed that the odometer showed exactly 11111.11. I felt like I had achieved something and was proud. MLIA
Today, I was shopping and I bumped into a mannequin. I said sorry. MLIA.
British scientists have discovered that herds of animals tend to align their bodies in a north-south direction - some scientific nonsense about magnetic fields at the north and south poles.
My favorite line of the news article, possible the greatest thing I've ever read: The scientists were unable to distinguish between the head and rear of the cattle.
I found a fun article called 5 Things Hollywood Thinks Computers Can Do (PG - some profanity), from the good folks at Cracked Entertainment, where several movies are called out for being technologically ridiculous. It's a funny look at why these things are ridiculous, along with what would happen in real life.
Just found a great website: http://notalwaysright.com/. It's full of very funny customer service stories. Supposedly all true stories, but some are a little hard to believe. In any case, they are very entertaining.
