I've got a major announcement to make to all of my friends and family. After months of planning in secret, I got married this morning!
After realizing that most of my friends are happily married, many with kids, I decided it was time for me to follow suit and find someone. I haven't had the best luck using traditional methods in recent years, so I found a nice online catalog with eastern European women who want to move to America, and found my wonderful bride on page 19 of the search results.
Inga and I started conversing via email last year, and it turns out we have a lot in common. She doesn't speak much English yet (well, none actually, other than "hello", "good-bye", and "I love America"), but thanks to Google Translate, we have no problem communicating. Plus, it's giving me the opportunity to learn a little bit of Ukrainian, a beautiful language that I've always wanted to learn.
My lawyer tried to get me to sign a pre-nup, but when you're dealing with true love, a prenuptial agreement is just insulting. I know in my heart that my new wife will be there forever, and would never consider divorcing me and taking half my money after her citizenship comes through.
I apologize for keeping this a secret and not inviting any of my family or friends to the ceremony. I wasn't sure how you all would react, but now that we're married, I hope you all will support and congratulate us.
Our lives together begin today, and we'll be celebrating today, and every anniversary in the future, on April 1st.
It's that time of year again. Happy Pi Day 2012! Keeping with my tradition from 2010 and 2011, here are a few ways you can make this year's Pi Day unforgettable:
Calculate the volume of your favorite lamp shade.
Based on the overall area from the label and the width of a roll of tape, determine how many layers the roll is.
Assuming the same tortilla recipe, calculate the percentage difference in calories from eating one large burrito versus two smaller ones.
If you've ever wondered why Pi is irrational (meaning it's a decimal that goes on forever and can't be expressed as a fraction), here are a few simple explanations on Wikipedia for you - all understandable by common people like you and me, or anyone who's taken 5 or 6 years of advanced mathematics.
On Valentine's Day 2010, I wrote a post describing my one true love. Unfortunately, my 2010 Valentine is no longer with us - fate separated us, and I've had to move on with life. In 2011, I described another love in my life, one that is still around. However, I have a new Valentine this year, and I'd like to take a few minutes and tell you another Valentine's-inspired love story.
I just met my Valentine a few months ago. Several friends of mine suggested that we get together. I was hesitant at first - not really my type, or at least that's what I thought at the time. After giving it some thought, I decided to give this relationship a try. And I'm incredibly happy that I did - this has been amazing since day one, and I'm still finding it hard to believe sometimes that we're together.
My Valentine is perfect in so many ways - smart, attractive, fashionable, and can make me laugh. We've got a lot in common - we're both in the technology industry, both problem solvers, and we share the same taste in books and music. In fact, after we got together, my partner introduced me to a new library of interesting and entertaining books.
We don't spend all of our time together, but we do generally spend at least a few hours each week together. In my new business venture, my Valentine has been very supportive, helping me stay organized, teaching me things about business and technology, and just keeping me company when I'm out working on my projects. I'm definitely sharing credit with my new partner - if we weren't together, I seriously doubt I could be as productive as I have been.
But of course it's not all business. We play games together, watch movies, or sometimes just kill time with each other. But no matter what it is we're doing, the fact that we're together makes everything better. I'll often just hold my Valentine in public - we're not afraid of a little PDA. People see us together on the street and they're jealous of the relationship we have - it's definitely something special, and something I appreciate every day.
I've spent the last 10 years of my life focused toward a career path in software development. It's generally been a good choice - it's exciting, pays pretty well, and keeps me on my toes. However, something's always been missing in my life, and I've finally figured out what it is. I've decided to move on to a new career.
I was an athlete in high school, and I only left the game after deciding to focus on a career. I see now that it was a mistake, but fortunately one that can be resolved. I've decided that from this point forward, I'm focusing on a new goal to become a professional football player. So I've left the world of software development, and have begun a training regiment, and will join the Arizona Cardinals for the 2011 season. My skillset and size make the fullback position a logical choice, although I am open to linebacker as well, should the opportunity arise.
Next time you see me will be on the field, or on the big screen. And don't worry - I won't forget about all of my friends once I start raking in millions of dollars, plus endorsements, my own shoe line, and eventually my face on the Wheaties box. You are all welcome to come to the games, and I'll even get you 10% off ticket face value.
A couple days ago was the 10th anniversary of my last day at Montgomery Ward, my first real job. I started on May 11, 1998, making $6/hour, when I was 16 years old.
I started in Merchandise Pick-Up at the Chris-Town Mall location, where I stayed for a little over a year, before moving to Mesa near Fiesta Mall, and was promoted to human resources specialist, with various other duties.
A couple days after Christmas 2000, the announcement was made that Wards would be shutting down permanently. Each store was to sell its remaining merchandise and close the doors - my store lasted until March 24th, 2001.
Here are some of my memories about the place:
- Once in a while, on a slow day, I used a secret I learned about the phone switchboard, to prank call two phones in the store connected to each other, and listen to the results (always confusion, sometimes hilarity).
- In the Christmas rush of 1998, Lin Sue Cooney from Channel 12 News came in to buy a Furby, which I rang up. This was the most famous person I ever met at the time.
- I was almost fired once for telling a customer to move her car. She pulled her car up on the sidewalk, and the loss prevention officer called to tell me to tell the customer to move her car, which I did. Apparently, I was not tactful enough, and my store manager wrote me up.
- For a stretch, I was working 6 days a week every week, including open-to-close Saturday and Sunday, while still going to school. This partially explains how my grades slipped a little and how I didn't have much of a social life in high school.
- I had many roles to keep me busy: merchandise pick-up clerk, phone operator, business office clerk, receiving associate, human resources specialist, new employee trainer, register repairman, copier repairman, cash office clerk, neighborhood solicitor, small electronics salesman, special stock team lead, graphic designer, and sign-hanger-upper (that's a technical term) - this was actually very scary, working with a wobbly 15-foot ladder, hanging up heavy plastic signs.
- In 2000, Wards spent several million dollars giving away prizes to random shoppers, in the hopes that it would attract new customers. In the end, we gave away $6 million in prizes, a lot more to spokesmonkey Regis Philbin, and didn't see a dime from new customers.
- Sammy Sosa, the steroid-abusing, skin-bleaching home run hitter, with his incredible grasp for the English language and perfect American accent, was our spokesperson for awhile, attempting to follow in the footsteps of Scottie Pippen and Mike Ditka, two sports heroes that people actually liked and respected, and still think fondly of today.
- I learned a valuable lesson about executive management, how they'll lie and cheat in order to do what's best for their paycheck. This has helped to keep me skeptical in companies I've worked for - not all executives were dirtbag liars, but some of them were, and my experience at Wards has helped me to spot them.
- My store manager in Mesa was an interesting personality. He had the absolute worst handwriting I've ever seen (below is a task list he gave me once). He called everybody "Buppy". He insulted people behind their back. And he was just generally abrasive and annoying most of the time. But in spite of the many things I didn't like about him at the time, he saw something in me, and gave me the opportunities to advance. I didn't realize at the time, but this was an important step in my personal growth, helping to give me the confidence I now have in my career to continue moving up.
- There was a giant Grand Opening sign in a backroom somewhere from the time the Mesa store originally opened. As the store was closing, the team was going to give it to the employee with the longest tenure at the store (I think it was over 20 years), but she couldn't take it. So instead, they gave it to me, after many of my co-workers left me messages, including "Hey Joe, where you going with that gun in your hand?"
- As the HR representative of the store, I was responsible for ensuring everybody's timesheets were completed and that they were paid correctly. On the very last day, after clocking out, I processed the final employment termination paperwork and submitted my own separation from the company, the final non-management employee in my store, and the last one out the door.
My boss's task list for me:
And here's a cheesy training video - I had to show this tape to every new employee, so it's probably been viewed a couple hundred times - sorry for the lousy quality.
I composed this tune and recorded it with a 110-piece marching band, and set it to an animation designed using top of the line 3-D rendering software, with the help of several dozen artists, consultants, and hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of specialized equipment.
It's that time of year again, Pi Day, the day where mathematicians and the rest of you ordinary people can come together in a spirit of brotherhood to celebrate the number that describes everything in the universe. Last year, I gave you a few examples of how you can celebrate this occasion, and this year I've got a few more for you.
1) Calculate the volume of air that is pumped into a basketball, using a measuring tape. 2) Figure out how many bits of data there are per square centimeter on the playable surface of a CD or DVD. 3) Determine how much wasted space is in a box of a dozen cans of tomato soup. 4) Calculate the surface area of a paper towel roll, then unravel it along the seams to form a parallelogram and recalculate. Be astonished by the results.
Last year I wrote a silly and juvenile blog entry about Valentine's Day, where I described my one true love, and in the end it doesn't turn out as you'd expect (or if you know me well, it turns out exactly as you'd expect). This year is a little different - just an emotional and heartwarming story about my love.
I've known my current Valentine for about 4 years now. Before that, I spent a long time out there in the world, searching for the right match, occasionally meeting attractive possibilities, but none of them worked out - there was always something that kept us apart, sometimes major differences, and sometimes we simply weren't comfortable together. Finally one day, I met my love, and I knew right away that this time would be the start of something special.
It was only a matter of a few days before we started spending a lot of time together. From the start, we both had a lot in common. We prefer staying indoors relaxing together, and we can sit together and listen to the same music, or watch the same TV shows or movies together without any complaints.
My Valentine is very supportive, providing comfort to me whenever I need it. We spend most evenings together, often enjoying meals or just spending some quality time together. Occasionally we spend the night together, although that's not the basis for our relationship.
I feel incredibly fortunate to be with such a wonderful companion. I wish a happy Valentine's Day out there to all of you, especially to my Valentine, my tan Camelot-style U4091 leather rocker-recliner.
Once again Thanksgiving is upon us. It's on a Thursday this year, which is kind of nice, because it gives us a 4-day weekend. How often you can say that?
Now some history:
Back in the late 1400's, an Italian sailor convinced the government to lend him three ships, to travel across the Atlantic Ocean to get to Indiana, where he could trade various goods with the locals. Unbeknownst to him at the time, he actually found the wrong Indians. But in any case, it all worked out, and European settlers kept coming throughout the years, to form our great nation. And the sailor who started it all now has a holiday honoring him, and is featured in any discussion about U.S. history. And just who was this man? You guessed it - Frank Stallone.
Anyway, a little over a hundred years after the first European voyage, the Pilgrims arrived at Chrysler, Massachusetts. Natives such as Hiawatha and Sacagawea helped the early settlers find food and shelter, along with luxurious gambling establishments. The pilgrims were very grateful for their new friends - they invited the natives to a Thanksgiving dinner, where an unbreakable bond was formed between the settlers and the natives, which would lead to peace and prosperity for both groups lasting for nearly 17 seconds. Soon, the European settlers no longer needed help from the natives, and they claimed this land for themselves.
Today, Thanksgiving is synonymous with turkey, along with all the trimmings, like mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, kung pao chicken, and corn dogs, followed by pumpkin and apple pies for dessert. Of course there's no better feeling than stuffing yourself full of Thanksgiving food and falling asleep watching football.
In the last few years, Thanksgiving has turned into "Black Friday Eve". People will line up on Friday morning at 3:00 in order to save $5 off an iPhone, or $10 off a Mac. Stores are opening up earlier and earlier every year, so before long they'll be opening for Black Friday sometime in early August. Meanwhile, I'll be sleeping comfortably until mid afternoon Friday after my turkey overdose. My Christmas shopping gets done on December 23rd every year, and that's worked for me so far.
My sincere thanks to all of you who served in the armed forces of the U.S. or its allies. Whether you served in peacetime or wartime, at home or abroad, you made the decision to put your life on the line in service of others. You will forever have our respect and our gratitude.
Once again the 31st of October is here, which can only mean one thing - children across the world are finally over their sugar rush from Easter, and are ready to start the process over by begging for candy from total strangers.
Halloween is also a time when legitimate professions such as nurses, politicians, and Native Americans get objectified by people dressing up at parties. And of course people dress up their poor pets, who are humiliated, and will get back at their owners by leaving a surprise in their slippers when they least expect it.
And then there's the concept of taking perfectly good vegetables and mutilating them for decoration, or throwing them at cats.
The whole thing seems kind of silly to me. Call me a Scrooge if you want, but I don't dress up or do the whole giving out candy thing. And get your holidays right - Scrooge is a Christmas thing.
Everyone, have a safe and fun Halloween tonight. Make sure you check your kids' treats for razor-filled apples and for Pixy Stix, both of which are equally deadly. And if you're attending a party tonight, watch out - people aren't always what they appear to be.
As we commemorate the 234th birthday of the United States of America, I think it's important that we take a minute and remember what we're celebrating. It wasn't easy to form our own nation, as the Revolutionary War proved. But George Washington, Thomas Edison, and Abraham Lincoln stood their ground and bravely fought off the British invasion to ensure that America (or Texas as it was known back then) would be free for centuries to come.
On June 17th, 1775, George Washington, John Adams, John Hancock, and a young Ronald Reagan met in Des Moines, Iowa (the nation's first capital city) to discuss the dispute regarding the taxation of trade routes by the greedy British Trade Federation, who stopped all shipping to the small port of Naboo. Washington, known to his friends as "Big George", came up with a plan to stop England's policy of "taxation without representation" that had been in place for several years. After months of planning, Big George's concept became reality. He spread the word across the colonies, and by March 1776, it was a success: everyone just stopped paying their taxes.
Unfortunately, when April 15th came around, the British IRS began to notice that no tax returns from across the pond had been delivered. At first, they just thought there was a problem with the post office - after all, we had just gotten past Sears Catalog season, and the postal workers were tired and starting to show signs of disgruntlement. But after a couple more months, the government came to realize that they weren't going to pay. This upset Her Majesty the Holy and Beloved High Queen Lizzy the First, who wasn't going to let some pissant colonists get away with such a brash action. She immediately ordered aerial bombing of the colonies, a move that seemed a little premature, especially since airplanes wouldn't be invented for over 120 years. The House of Commons immediately took steps to impeach Lizzy and replace her with King George, known to the American people as "Little George".
Washingon, Adams, Edison, and a unanimous Congress signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, 1776, declaring once and for all that a united and non-partisan government in America would live and flourish forever. In response, Little George's first official act in office was to stop the American uprising and regain the trust and love for England that they had lost during the last few decades. In order to accomplish this, George did the most sensible and reasonable thing he could think of - he negotiated a peace and partnership that would provide both countries with stability and strength. Just kidding! He bought a bunch of Hessian thugs to come over and kill as many Americans as they could. In addition to these mercenaries, Georgie sent over a bunch of redcoats (so called because of their ties to Communist China) to fight for the crown and prevent freedom and representative government that was spreading like a plague among the colonies.
America had only a small organized army - the majority of the fighters were ordinary people who used everyday ordinary tools, like pitchforks, shovels, and baseball bats to hold off the British troops. Luckily, when the first British weapon caches were being packed, a typo on the requisition orders gave the colonists a slight advantage. Originally, each troop of 100 soldiers was supposed to have 1 trumpet and 99 rifles. Instead, upon opening their suitcases, they discovered that they had 1 rifle and 99 trumpets. The soldiers, with nothing better to do on their long marches, decided to play their trumpets anyway, while lined up 2-by-2 like targets, so it was pretty easy to tell when a group of redcoats was on the way. And since it took an average of 45 minutes to reload their one rifle between shots, the Americans were able to defeat these troops pretty easily. This luck didn't last, as future troops were more prepared for combat, leading to a long and bloody war.
The war lasted for several years, with many casualties on both sides, with battles on the ground and sea, and foreign alliances on both sides. Eventually, with no other alternatives available, Big George travelled to Yorktown, Pennsylvania, to take on General Charles "Creamed" Cornwallis, in a one-on-one cage match to decide the winner of the war. The fight lasted 12 rounds, with both contestants exhausted by the end. Washington just wanted it more, and by the end, he was the last man standing. News of the defeat made it back to England about a year later (internet speed was very slow back then - it took an average of 3 months just to send an email from Virginia to Georgia, so you can imagine how long it takes to get a message across the ocean), and a year after that, the last British troops left American soil, finally officially recognizing it as American soil.
After a few false starts, a united government, broken into three branches was formed, with President Big George leading the way. The new U.S. Constitution defined the legislative branch as the houses of senate and representatives, and defined the judicial branch into two groups as well: the group that has 4 people that vote one way on every issue, and the group that has 5 people that vote the other way on every issue. Over the years, various political parties have been born and retired, such as the Federalists, Whigs, Anti-Masonics, Pro-Masonics, Know-Nothings, Know-It-Alls, Greenbacks, Jeffersonians, Fillmorians, Rutherfordians, and the Flat Tax party.
The prosperous and free United States that exists today only exists because of the courage and strength of our founding fathers over 200 years ago. The 4th of July is a time when we can all think about some of the great things that this country has done since its beginning: many of the greatest scientific and medical advances in the world, saving the world from multiple power-hungry dictators in WWII, and of course, Chuck Norris. I'm proud to be an American every day.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about health, nationwide nutritional problems, and the underlying cause of obesity across the country. I came to the realization that there's one specific way I can improve my own personal health, while contributing to a respectable movement that is often mocked by carnivorous barbarians.
I've decided to become a vegetarian.
Most of my life I've been a big meat-eater. I've enjoyed beef, chicken, and the dozens of tasty products from the magical pig, along with the occasional turkey dinner, lamb chop, and even buffalo burger. Looking back at these decisions, I can't believe I ever allowed myself to contribute to the death and destruction of so many innocent animals, all while ingesting the hormone-soaked and bacteria-flooded flesh of these animals.
As a civilized human being, I can no longer in good conscience continue this savage way of living. Human beings no longer need to be predatory hunters, with so many delicious alternatives. I can be perfectly happy, and significantly healthier, eating fresh green vegetables, fresh fruits, and legumes. Soybeans can be made to not only resemble various kinds of meat, but also taste very close to their meat counterpart. With these wonderful choices, there's simply no reason to eat the flesh of other animals.
So mark today, April 1st, 2010, on your calendar as the day that I gave up meat.
Date: 2010-04-01 13:00:33
Name:
Wendy E (via Facebook)
Oh, Joseph ... your decision has touched my heart! Your words have moved me so, that I believe I'll join you in this health-conscious, humanitarian undertaking. I shall be a vegetarian too. May we both remember April 1st, 2010 as a day we'll always remember.
Date: 2010-04-01 17:42:53
Name:
Mike E (via Facebook)
Who are you people?
Date: 2010-04-01 17:43:26
Name:
Melissa E (via Facebook)
You do realize, Joe, that to have pulled that prank off, you would have had to eat like a vegetarian all day. Did you??
Date: 2010-04-01 17:45:06
Name:
Joe Enos
I made it all the way until about 8am when I had a chorizo breakfast burrito, then a barbecue beef sandwich for lunch, and hot wings for dinner. So I was close.
As you all know, today is one of the most well-known and celebrated holidays in the entire year, Pi Day (3/14). Pi (a.k.a. π if your browser supports it) tells the ratio of any circle's circumference to its diameter, which is approximately 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 (although most people round to 3.1415926535897932384626433 since it's easier to remember).
Here are some great ways that you can participate in this wonderful holiday: 1) Figure out if it's a better deal to get 3 mediums or 2 larges from your favorite local pizza place. The answer may surprise you. 2) Determine how tall a can of soup is by measuring only the top, and using water and a measuring cup. 3) Approximate pi yourself by using some thread and a measuring tape. See how accurate you can get. 4) Figure out how long an extension cord or hose is without unraveling it.
Check out this site for more fun ways to celebrate.
There are programs out there that have calculated Pi to many digits, some to thousands, some to millions, and one has even taken it to over 2.5 trillion digits, which apparently is the current world record. Personally, I don't see what the big deal is. I can list all the digits to well over 2.5 trillion digits - they may not all be in the right order or the right count of each digit, but I guarantee they're all there somewhere.
In celebration of Valentine's Day, I'd like to describe the greatest love story ever: my own. The story tells of how I met what became the most important piece of my life, the object of my affection, and truly the most wonderful addition to my previously lonely life.
We met in November 2006, right after Thanksgiving. I'm not ashamed to admit that we were first introduced online, something that is becoming more and more accepted these days. We met in person just a few days later, and I knew from the second I laid eyes on my newest acquaintance that this would be the start of a beautiful relationship, and have had no doubts at all since then.
In our time together, we've shared a great many laughs, some drama, lots of movies, sporting events, and even an occasional music concert. We spend a lot of my free time together, and have grown closer and closer over the years, to the point where we're nearly inseparable.
Of course, like in any relationship, we've had our ups and downs. There have been a few times when I've been unhappy, and even frustrated, with what I've seen and heard. But no matter what disagreements we may have, we always emerge stronger than before. I feel that this is one of the most important aspects of our healthy relationship.
Another helpful tool in our relationship is the fact that we've always taken separate vacations. Not only would it be impractical for us to travel together, sometimes it's just good to spend a few days apart to reflect on your relationship. In addition, being apart makes coming home that much more special - returning home and seeing my true love after being gone for days is one of the most exhilarating feelings I've ever experienced.
Statistically speaking, our love won't last my entire lifetime. Things happen that are out of our control sometimes, and all good things do eventually come to an end. But I'm going to make sure I never take advantage of, and never abuse in any way, my Valentine. The time we do share together is some of the most important in my life, and will continue to be, for as long as we both live.
Happy Valentine's Day to my love, my Panasonic 52LCX66 LCD Projection 52" HDTV.
The Dark Knight: An excellent movie - in my opinion, it should sweep the Oscars. The best non-comedy movie to come out in a very long time.
Get Smart: A fantastic reimagining of one of the greatest TV shows ever made.
Television:
The one new show that stood out for me was Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, which debuted in January. The show has been a pleasant surprise - it doesn't exactly follow the story or theme of the movies, but it is an exciting and fun show.
Strong seasons from my other current favorite shows: House, Bones, and Chuck.
The return of 24. The series resumes in January 2009, but there was a sneak peek in November in the form of a TV movie called Redemption. The upcoming season looks like it will be as good as the previous 6.
A few interesting things happened to me personally in 2008:
This blog started in May 2008, and it has been a lot of fun to maintain. It's been a great experience from a software development perspective - I wrote the entire thing from scratch instead of using a commercial product like Blogger or WordPress, and I'm continuing to come up with new ideas to improve the design and functionality. During the election season, I saw a huge jump in visits, and was the #1 Google search result for a number of local races - an incredible feeling to know that I played such a role in the election process.
I decided to start taking college courses again, for personal enrichment and potentially useful life skills. I started in the Fall 2008 semester, and I have decided to continue taking one class per semester indefinitely.
In September, I was promoted to Software Development Supervisor of my department at work. The day-to-day job didn't really change, but it gave me a formal leadership role over my product, and the knowledge that my company's management trusts my judgment in software development decision-making.
In November, I bought a house. So far, things have been great.
New Year's Resolutions are usually a complete waste of time - statistics show that only a small percentage of resolutions are actually kept throughout the year. But I do have a few goals that I'm setting for 2009:
Learn the new .NET 4.0 Framework. I'd like to stay on top of new technology as it's released.
Get back into Java development. I've started a few small programs, and even though it's not part of my current job, Java experience is a great thing to have.
Learn at least the basics of a few new languages. I'm interested in Ruby, PHP, and Haskell right now, but I haven't decided if those are the ones I want to learn. But learning some specialized languages can only help my software development career.
A personal goal: to continue living healthier than I have in the past. Over the past several months, I've lost 45 pounds and feel much healthier than I did just six months ago. I'd like to continue losing some more weight through smarter food choices and some exercise.
If you are interested in making a New Year's Resolution of your own, check out the Resolution Randomizer (Silverlight required).
Date: 2012-04-01 13:27:00
Name: Wendy E (via Facebook)
Congratulations! And after winniing Mega Millions on Friday night I can buy you a fabulous wedding gift!
Date: 2012-04-01 13:57:00
Name: Jenn P (via Facebook)
Ha! April Fools!
Date: 2012-04-01 15:14:00
Name: Daniel K (via Facebook)
Beautiful ceremony outside of Montgomery Ward :)
Date: 2012-04-01 17:58:00
Name: Dan T (via Facebook)
I was gonna get upset that i had to miss this wedding too, but since your mom isn't stomping you a new one, I'm assuming this is an April 1 thing.
Date: 2012-04-01 18:11:00
Name: Joe Enos
Oh right, it is April Fools Day, isn't it?